Since three weeks ago or since I officially become a job seeker, I am confused to do what I am going to do. Precisely, I don’t know in what field I shall apply for a job. All my dreams and plans, out of the blue, are being blurred, nearly dark.
I can’t still figure it out, why this confused thingy pops up. I remember this feeling have ever come to me two weeks after my beloved Dad passed away. At that moment, everything is vague which make me feel hopeless sometimes. Actually, I am trying to move on but it does not seem successful yet.
Once, I ever dreamed about my beloved Dad. He looks fine, healthy and very happy. That dream gave me strength. But, it only lasted for several days. I am trying to close to My Creator through devotional time, praying, reading His Word and contemplating as well. Sometimes, it cures me, make me comfort. But, sometimes, my confused mind appears.
I love my beloved Dad so crazy, so when he’s gone, it drives me crazy. We used to spend time together such as planting orchid and other flowers in the yard, cooking Saksang and Mie Gomak, helping him check his students’ assignments, talking everything by phone even arguing about his bad habits, those were smoking and drinking Tuak (Bataknese’s traditional beverage). After he is gone, I can’t face this newly situation easily. My heart is frozen.
Then, I feel like there is a hole in my heart and till now, nobody can fill it. The last advice from my father is I have to pursue whatever I want and be useful for others. Henceforth, I have to spread my wings and learn how to fly. I must chase my dreams though it is not easy.